Things I Lost

 There's a lot we lose.

In life, we want something, and just as soon as we get it, we tire of it. We lose our wonder. There were things I took for granted as a child which I cannot remember now, which were lost during the turmoils of growing up. The Nativity set, the doll I cherished and forgot by turns until I was 12, many of the books I wish I now had (and a few I don't miss). All these things are lost forever. The feelings they gave me, the childlike wonder and delight I took in them, is as gone in my spirit as they are gone in the flesh. These are small things, but sometimes they add up to look like a lot, if I'm in a self-pitying mood.

It's only in melancholy moods that I ponder this, but sometimes I feel as if loss is the great theme of life. First we lose our baby sweetness, then we shed our childish toys, then our good humor and delight in the pretend, then our innocence. It's a classic theme of every good book. Pip loses his relationship with Joe in Great Expectations. Frodo ultimately loses the Shire for himself, although he gains it for others. Jo loses Beth in Little Women. Harry loses Dumbledore and his parents and basically life as he knows it in the Harry Potter series. Silas Marner loses his gold. The list goes on and on and on. Everything worth reading or knowing contains loss.

But this is the great eucatastrophe. It's an end, but the end can be happy. It can be a beginning of something new. This loss is a window to the better good. As Tolkien observed, we see this in the Incarnation and Resurrection of Christ. The loss is terrible. God puts aside His good and awesome kingliness to become a humble baby. Christ suffers great contradiction, blasphemy against Him, and the total wrath of God on our behalf only to rise in triumphant and glorious resurrection. 

And so it is in all the good stories. Pip loses Joe, but he gains a virtue and depth of character that will last a lifetime and makes him better than childish dependence. Frodo loses the Shire but gains the Undying Lands. Jo loses Beth but gains inspiration and depth of character that quiets her turbulent spirit. Harry Potter loses everything, but he gains depth of character and rids the world of a horrible menace. Silas Marner loses his gold but gains a child who makes him happy to the end of his days.

What about me? I lost my childhood, as we all do, but I have gained a richer, fuller love of joy and tradition and goodness. I had to lose childhood to love it. By grace, I am better woman through what I lost that I would be if I never felt the sting of loss, however small.